


Heart-shaped Box

by alittlebriton



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Related, Episode s03e05: Stronger than Heaven, M/M, Moving In Together, Will likely be Jossed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:12:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebriton/pseuds/alittlebriton
Summary: He cautiously walked to Alec and sat down, sitting cross-legged. He tugged the box away from Alec’s unresisting fingers, closing it with care.“They’re just memories,” he said gently. “Some happier than others.” Alec still didn’t raise his head.“Is that why you said no? Because one day I’ll be in that box.”





	Heart-shaped Box

**Author's Note:**

> This will very likely be Jossed by the episode, but I couldn't stop thinking about the sneak peek and the fear Magnus must feel. I'm sure I'll write a code from Alec's POV after the ep airs!

“Did the onamori go in this box when we broke up?” Alec didn’t look up from the box when he asked and Magnus, already frozen in place at the sight of Alec on the floor with his box open in front of him, struggled to find his voice.

“No,” he said after a long silence. “I never put the onamori in that box. I kept it with me. I think because I hoped we weren’t truly over.”

He cautiously walked to Alec and sat down, sitting cross-legged. He tugged the box away from Alec’s unresisting fingers, closing it with care.

“They’re just memories,” he said gently. “Some happier than others.” Alec still didn’t raise his head.

“Is that why you said no? Because one day I’ll be in that box.”

Magnus swallowed, trying desperately to prevent his mind from flashing to that day, that awful day in the future where he wouldn’t be able to touch Alec or see his face or hear his voice. Where his world would be muted and empty, and once again alone.

‘I… No, Alexander. If you move in… our home would become a box just for you, when you died. In five months or fifty years from now. If you move in, I can’t simply pack you up and reduce you to a few mementos when you’ve become my world and the air around me. I would live in your box and be a prisoner to it, and alas, the thought of that pain scares me more than a lifetime with you would bring me happiness. When it comes to love, I am a coward. Forgive me. With time, this may change.’ 

Is what he wanted to say.  

Instead, while he gaped like an unattractive fish, Alec, his impatient and blunt Alexander, finally looked at him, his hard gaze a contrast to the drying tracks on his cheeks.

“When I die, I die, Magnus. You can’t hold me at arm’s length for however long I live. That’s not fair to the people that love you.”

“I’ve lived through a lot of people leaving me. By death or by the door.” It was a flimsy excuse and also the heart of the truth, so much so it hurt to sincerely say the words aloud.

“All life comes with death,” Alec said simply with a shrug. “You can’t not live because of what is unavoidable. It’s still going to hurt, either way.”

“You’re upset,” Magnus evaded. 

“I’m kinda pissed off.” Alec wasn’t yelling or raising his voice, simply stating facts and it was colder than Magnus felt comfortable with. Something turned unpleasantly inside of him, a fear expanding.

“You’d rather not live with me so that when I die, I can go neatly in this box and you can bring me out and think of me a few times a decade. You’d sacrifice my happiness, our happiness, to protect yourself in the future.” 

“I’m selfish,” Magnus croaked, his fingers tightening white on his box, his heart pounding so loudly he could barely hear his own voice over the thuds.

“You’re a coward.” Alec’s face twisted as if it hurt him to say that, as if it had been a revelation that tasted bitter in his mouth, his voice breaking as he spoke. He rose to his feet and Magnus could feel the heat of his gaze.

“I won’t be coming back, Magnus.”

“ _Alec_ ,” he gasped, and looked up with pleading eyes.

“This time you have to come to _me_ if you want to make it right.”

The click of his front door was loud in the silence that followed, and Magnus listened desperately for the sound of it opening again, for Alec to continue the conversation so he could explain. He looked down at the closed box again and imagined opening it, imagined taking the onamori from his pocket and dropping it inside, thought of how he could ever open the box and think back fondly, not know if Alec was alive or dead because he didn’t get up and follow him. Because Alexander wouldn’t be part of his life any longer.

Magnus pushed himself off the floor and clumsily made his way to the front door, regaining his feet and hurrying until he was running, down the stairs and out of his building, spying a bowed dark head down the street heading towards the subway.

He caught up with Alec just before the corner and snagged his arm, pulling him into a doorway, hurriedly throwing up a glamour so they’d be ignored. Alec pulled away to put more space between them, standing stiffly as if waiting for a blow, his expression guarded.

“I _am_ a coward,” Magnus started, stepping forward. “I’ve never loved anyone like this before, because no one’s ever loved me quite the way you do. And that’s why I know you’re the biggest happiness in my long life and your passing will cause me the most pain. I don’t know if I’ll get over it. I don’t know if I’ll want to go on living.”

Alec made a pained noise but didn’t interrupt.

“To think of living somewhere with your presence all around me, in the smells and memories and trinkets and _life_ , but to not have _you_ … it would unmake me until I was nothing but pain, simply existing. And yet…”

Magnus took a deep breath and stepped forward again, settling his trembling hand on Alec’s forearm, probably gripping harder than he should. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Alec’s, wide and fearful and sympathetic.

“The thought of not being with you during your life… that, I think, would hurt me more. A thousand cuts every day. I want to live with you, Alexander. Come home with me. Let’s make it _our_ home.”

He was still more scared than he’d ever been in his life, he was still trembling, he still thought a million things could go wrong – but watching that soft wide smile break out across his Alexander’s face, Magnus was beginning to believe that he’d never be truly alone again.


End file.
